Can cheating cause erectile dysfunction?
Yes, cheating can cause erectile dysfunction (ED) in both the partner who cheated and the partner who was cheated on. Guilt, shame, shock and anxiety can all disrupt the calm, focused state an erection depends on, and this kind of ED usually eases as the distress fades.
Stress and anxiety are common causes of low sex drive (NHS, n.d.). An affair tends to bring both for each partner, so a drop in desire and erections afterwards is a common reaction.
What's the link between cheating and erectile dysfunction?
Infidelity is one of several psychological triggers for ED. It works by disrupting the focus and calm your body needs to get and stay hard.
Cheating touches a lot of relationships. About 20% of men and 13% of women who have ever been married report having had sex with someone other than their spouse while married (Wang, 2018).
ED itself is common, whether or not infidelity is involved. Your ability to get and stay hard depends on your brain and body sending the same signal. Stress, guilt, fear, and shock all get in the way of that signal, and cheating tends to bring several of those at once, whether you're the one who strayed or the one who found out.
ED after being cheated on
Discovering a partner's affair can trigger a shock response similar to trauma, and that state makes erections harder to get.
If you've just found out your partner cheated and your erections have taken a hit since, that reaction is common. Your body is responding to a genuine shock.
Why it happens
Learning about a betrayal can send your body into a state of shock. Amanda Barge, psychosexual and relationship therapist, says the reaction can look a lot like trauma, with intrusive thoughts, problems with sleep and eating, trouble managing your emotions, and a feeling of losing control.
Those symptoms can also include feeling emotionally numb one moment and flooded with anger the next, and constant anxiety. None of that is unusual after a betrayal.
While your body is in this state, erections are hard to come by, because shock scrambles the signal between your mind and body.
Your sex drive can disappear for a while too. Stress and anxiety are common causes of low libido, according to the NHS. If you're dealing with the fallout of being cheated on, both are probably present, so a drop in desire, and a drop in erections, makes sense.
What can you do about ED after being cheated on?
If you're staying with your partner, a few things can help.
Give yourself space and time. Rebuilding trust rarely happens fast, and it's okay to lean on friends for support while you process what happened.
Before things get physical again, talk first. Ask whether your partner can own how much they hurt you, and whether the conversation will feel safe. Getting clear on this early makes everything after it easier.
It might also help to see a specialist relationship therapist, who can support you both through the crisis.
Tell your partner what you need, whether that's more time, more reassurance, or just to be held without it leading anywhere, and let that set the pace. If they understand what happened, they'll follow your lead.
Sex doesn't have to mean penetration. Touch and oral sex can both lead to satisfying sex without an erection being part of it.
If your erections need more focused attention, The Erection Reset gives you expert-led exercises to help you feel calm and confident again, at your own pace.
ED after cheating on your partner
Guilt and shame after cheating create intrusive, anxious thoughts, and those thoughts get in the way of arousal.
If you've cheated and now can't get hard, even with the partner you're trying to stay with, you're not alone.
Why guilt causes ED
Amanda Barge explains how shame can affect arousal:
This kind of guilt-driven arousal problem overlaps with performance anxiety, where fear and self-monitoring crowd out arousal instead of guilt. The mechanism is similar either way. Your mind is too busy to let your body relax.
What can you do about ED after cheating?
Whether to tell your partner is a genuinely hard call, and it can affect your erections either way. Carrying the secret can weigh on you, but so can the fallout of disclosure, and only you can weigh that trade-off.
Figuring out whether the problem is situational also helps. Some men find they can perform with someone new but not with their partner, and if you want to stay together, it's worth exploring what's actually going on underneath that.
If you do disclose, expect a process. Real anger and hurt are likely, so give your partner time to feel it, and show genuine remorse.
Your partner may need to lead on when and how you're physical again. Respecting that pace is part of rebuilding trust.
You can also use this time to work on your erections directly. The Erection Reset has exercises built to ease stress and guilt in the moment, so you can stay present during sex instead of stuck in your head.
Is erectile dysfunction a sign your partner is cheating?
No. ED has many more common causes than infidelity, so it isn't reliable evidence of an affair.
If your partner can't get hard and your mind has jumped straight to cheating, take a breath. There's a long list of far more likely explanations.
Other common causes of ED
A lot of the time, ED comes down to something much less dramatic than an affair. Here's how to tell the difference:
| Possible cause | How it typically shows up | What can help |
|---|---|---|
| Performance anxiety | Comes and goes, worse with a new or high-stakes partner | Naming the anxiety, slowing down, structured retraining (e.g., The Erection Reset) |
| Relationship stress or guilt | Tracks with a specific conflict or event, eases as it resolves | Open communication, addressing the underlying issue directly |
| Depression or anxiety disorder | Persistent, alongside low mood, low energy, or constant worry | Talking to a doctor or therapist |
| Physical causes (e.g., cardiovascular issues, diabetes, some medications) | Gradual onset, present in most or all sexual situations, including alone | A GP check-up to rule out or treat physical causes |
| General stress or fatigue | Tied to a busy or exhausting period, resolves with rest | Rest, lifestyle adjustments, patience |
Most causes on this list track something specific, like stress, illness, or a rough patch. For the full picture on the psychological causes of ED, including how to tell what's driving yours, this guide goes deeper.
What to do if you're worried
Reacting fast can make things worse, so stay calm and ask before you accuse. Amanda Barge puts it simply:
Opening up about ED is a good first step, so talk to your partner instead of guessing. If your partner knows you're not judging him, that alone can ease the pressure that's causing the problem.
Longer foreplay and less focus on penetration take the pressure off too, since pressure is usually the thing standing in the way. Taking the spotlight off the penis for a while gives both of you room to relax into it.
How ED affects the relationship and the body
Feeling shut out is a bigger relationship risk than erectile dysfunction itself.
Struggling with erections can pull you inward, and withdrawing to avoid the topic is common. But that withdrawal is usually what strains a relationship. How ongoing relationship strain affects erections plays out the same way during other periods of conflict.
Can my ED make my partner cheat?
Some men worry that if they can't perform, their partner will look elsewhere. Amanda Barge hears this a lot:
Research on why women cheat suggests that emotional neglect is a more common reason than sexual dissatisfaction (Selterman et al., 2019).
Show your partner they're wanted in ways that don't involve an erection at all. Cuddles, compliments, and planned time together all count. Talking helps too, because an honest conversation can ease the pressure behind the ED.
Does ED mean sex is over?
No. An erection isn't the requirement you might think it is. About 82% of women don't reach orgasm through vaginal penetration by itself (Herbenick et al., 2018), so hands, mouths, and toys can lead to real, satisfying sex without your penis doing any of the work. ED changes how sex happens, and sex can still be satisfying.
Before you go
Cheating can affect your erections whichever side of it you're on, and that is a normal response to a hard situation.
If your erections need more support, The Erection Reset gives you expert-led tools built for exactly this kind of psychological, situational ED.
Mojo aims to provide useful wellbeing resources to its users; however, you should not solely rely on opinions or advice available on the Website or given by the Community. Always seek advice from a qualified medical doctor or other healthcare professional before acting.
FAQs
No. ED has many causes, including stress, anxiety, medication, and physical health conditions. Most cases have nothing to do with infidelity.
It varies, but this type of ED tends to ease as the shock, guilt, or anxiety behind it eases. The timeline differs for each person.
There's no single right answer. Being open about ED usually helps you get support and reduces the pressure that's causing it. If you haven't disclosed the affair itself, that's a separate, bigger decision to think through carefully.
Yes. ED on its own doesn't end a relationship or a sex life. Open communication and patience help a couple work through it.
Yes. Talking to a therapist can help you process the guilt or shock behind it, and a structured program like The Erection Reset can help you retrain the anxiety response that's getting in the way of your erections.
Sources
- Wang, W. (2018). Who cheats more? The demographics of infidelity in America. Institute for Family Studies. https://ifstudies.org/blog/who-cheats-more-the-demographics-of-cheating-in-america
- National Health Service. (n.d.). Loss of libido (reduced sex drive). https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/loss-of-libido/
- Selterman, D., Garcia, J. R., & Tsapelas, I. (2019). Motivations for extradyadic infidelity revisited. Journal of Sex Research, 56(3), 273–286. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/29244527/
- Herbenick, D., Fu, T. J., Arter, J., Sanders, S. A., & Dodge, B. (2018). Women's experience with genital touching, sexual pleasure, and orgasm: Results from a U.S. probability sample of women ages 18 to 94. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 44(2), 201–212. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/all-about-sex/202008/attention-men-intercourse-alone-brings-few-women-orgasm
Mojo aims to provide useful wellbeing resources to its users; however, you should not solely rely on opinions or advice available on the Website or given by the Community. Always seek advice from a qualified medical doctor or other healthcare professional before acting.
About the experts
With 18 years as an accredited COSRT and BACP therapist, Amanda helps people navigate desire, intimacy, and the changes life brings.
Help is available when you're feeling low – you don't have to suffer in silence. If you're in crisis or struggling to cope, find someone to talk to on Find a Helpline.
